Silly me. The healthy, natural taste in Lao dishes took some time for me to recognize, but now I can’t get enough. Here are some you should try during your stay.

1. Sticky Rice in Bamboo Tubes

For a long time I didn’t know what this was when I saw it because it comes inside hollow pieces of

Photo by Sifu Renka

bamboo, but when I finally caught on, I was in for a real treat. As hinted before, the Laotians often cook their sticky rice inside a small section of bamboo, roasting it over an open fire, and when sold by street vendors along with barbecued meats, they leave it inside this casing.

One thing you’ll notice is that a lot of the bamboo sticky rice comes in different colors, often hinting at purples and pinks. The Laotians seem to like their sweet foods and often flavor their rice with coconut and herbs to create a nice little treat that is not overwhelming. Other chefs might infuse the rice with more savory spices.

2. Barbecue Chicken and Papaya Salad

I’m always a fiend for some barbecue chicken and papaya salad—along with regular sticky rice it

Photo by Jennifer D

completes my absolute favorite Thai comfort food. In Laos, these dishes come a bit different than in Thailand. The chicken here seems to be especially delicious, often soaked in fish sauce and spice throughout the night.

The papaya salad, on the other hand, is milder, with less emphasis on the extreme sour, sweet, and spicy flavor of the Thai versions. In Laos, it also tends to have bigger chunks of tomatoes and other vegetables.

I personally prefer the Thai-style papaya salad…shhhh…but a trip to Laos just isn’t complete without sitting at a riverside open-air restaurant eating this simple combination. Order a Beer Laos, the best beer on the continent, to bring your meal full circle.

3. Noodles, Noodles, and More Noodles

Noodles are a popular food staple in just about any Asian country, so it seems, but the Lao people inhale the stuff like nothing I’ve ever seen living in Thailand. I think this is a main reason so many Westerners avoid the food here—a lot of us just can’t seem to get excited about noodles. But sit down and order a bowl and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Many shops serve their noodle soup with a plate of fresh cut herbs and bean sprouts as well as the typical array of chilies and fish sauces for your culinary convenience. Please don’t be shy about digging into all the different seasonings and spices to make a bowl of soup that is completely your own—that’s what it’s put there for.

4. Dim Sum

This is another one I found myself not trying simply because I had no clue what to do—outside of a lot of the noodle stalls, you’ll see stacks of little baskets that the Laotians come up to and peer inside from time to time. I didn’t really think much about what was going on until a few beers allowed my curiosity to get the better of me and I started poking around.

Each stack of baskets held a different little dim sum-style treat. There was everything from bird eggs to chicken feet (soaked in a sweet sauce) to small sausages. They gave me a plate of rice and I sat down and had a little feast I’ll never forget.

5. Barbecued Som Moo

This dish stumped me too. I sat down and pointed at some delicious-looking sausages on the menu, and they brought them out with a huge plate full of fresh leaf vegetables and herbs, cold white noodles, and a sweet peanut-flavored sauce. Beside this came a small dish full of garlic, chilies, cucumbers, and a few thinly-sliced vegetables I didn’t recognize (one of them being particularly sour).

After nibbling at the lettuce a little bit and pouring all my sauce over my noodles, while wondering if they were supposed to be cold, I spied on a neighboring table and figured out what I was supposed to be doing—with all the patrons in the place, there had to be more to it. Little did I know, there was a stack of transparent spring roll wraps on my lettuce plate (I’d already taken a nibble from the stack, trying to figure out whether it was paper or some vegetable I was unfamiliar with).

Apparently a Vietnamese-inspired dish, the ideas is to make your own little spring rolls out of a chunk of sausage, some noodles, an all the veggies and herbs you could cram inside—and plenty of sauce, of course. I don’t think I’ve ever had a dish that tasted so natural and fresh. And was it ever delicious…Order a fresh coconut to drink along with it if you really want to experience heaven in Laos.

Those are a few great ones I’ve found to get you started—and I’m sure there are more to come, so stay posted. Maybe next week I’ll try the fried frog and tell you how that one turns out…

Photo Source: Wikipedia

1. Peace and Quiet

What most people don’t like about Vientiane is the utter quiet. Bars and cubs are few, and the ones that are here close early in the night, typically around twelve. But that said, even though midnight is the “official” closing time, there are a few clubs that stay open until about five in the morning; it just takes some time living here to figure out where they are.

Always the case in Southeast Asian cities, curfews are overlooked for a price.

But suffice to say even with a couple all-night spots, Vientiane does still have that backwards country feel so many complain about.

I, for one, don’t mind. I like the action as much as the next traveler, but I like getting away from it sometimes too. And living in a quiet place like Vientiane, I could get a bunch of work done and save the big parties for trips to places like Bangkok, Phuket, Hanoi, or Boracay.

Once an international destination becomes your everyday reality, you don’t need the action all the time, and Vientiane provides a great place to focus and accomplish goals.

2. Fantastic Food (and Alcohol)

Vientiane doesn’t just boast the things we usually think of when it comes to culture in Southeast Asia, like historic temples, though the ones in Laos are the most beautiful I’ve seen. It also enjoys a good culture around town for those who don’t mind the slower pace.

The city is stocked full of some of the most diverse and delicious foreign restaurants I’ve seen anywhere else in the region, particularly French and Italian restaurants. And while it does cost more to eat in these places, it is still fine dining at its cheapest.

You’ll also find tons of great wines and international beers—not to mention the beer Laos itself, which is easily the best beer in all of Asia and a real national pride. Laos has become quite the beer culture.

While I am definitely an off-the-beaten track kind of traveler, I also appreciate being able to go out for some fine dining and good wine in whatever place I choose to call home. In this aspect,

Vientiane is a solid win.

3. Gateway to the Laos Wilderness

Speaking of getting off the beaten track, there are few places in the world where it is so easy to get off the beaten track than in Laos, a country with some of the most beautiful, rugged terrain in the world. Kayaking down pristine jungle rivers, crawling through virtually untouched caves, trekking through mountain tribe villages, motorcycling through jaw-dropping country roads, living with gibbons in the treetops—you’ll never feel away from nature in Laos.

And while Vientiane is certainly a bustling town, you’re never too far away from the trail. Any time you want to see the world as it existed centuries ago, book a tour with someone like Green Discovery Laos or just hop on a dirt bike and hit the road.

4. Moving in the Right Direction

Another thing I like about Vientiane and overall Laos is they seem to be making all the right moves when it comes to tourism and development. Sure, they’ve got a long way to go, but

Vientiane is evolving into quite a commercial city, in a seemingly healthy manner. For one thing, I love what they’ve done with the bank of the Mekong, where they’ve now built an extensive boardwalk-style park where locals and tourists commune at night to eat, drink, jog, or just socialize.

And rather than cater to the budget backpacker crowd, Vientiane is trying to become an up-market tourist destination for people who are willing to pay the bucks to stay comfortably in paradise. While that will make it more expensive to live here, I cannot say I blame them, and I think the campaigns in this direction are going to successfully preserve the country for the future.

Likewise, environmental concerns have become a bit of a religion here in Laos, and the locals campaign hard to grow and understanding of the need to protect the asset their pristine wilderness represents. Eco-travel is all the rave on the Laos traveling scene.

So while Laos doesn’t fulfill all my expectations of what a tropical home should be—not being on the ocean is a huge mark against it—I could see it making a great home base for living and working as you branched out to play in the other great destinations of Southeast Asia. Highly underrated, if you ask me, and if that’s what you’re looking for in Asia, be sure to have a closer look than most travelers do.

The fireballs of Naga…one of the world’s remaining unexplained mysteries.

In the beginning of October, just as Buddhist Lent comes to a finish, locals gather in the thousands to watch mysterious balls of fire or light come out of the great Mekong River and take to the sky, disappearing high in the air. The size of tennis balls, these lights occur at various points of the river, sometimes in the hundreds or even thousands—sometimes there are only a few though, and in other years there are none at all.

Locals believe these “fireballs” are the work of Naga and say the phenomenon has been occurring for centuries.

Of course, science has tried its hand at debunking the Naga fireballs with a natural explanation, but so far they have failed. Some theorize the balls are formed by gases that build up in the sediment of the river and that Buddhist lent coincides with this region being closer to the sun.

The theory is that a stronger gravitational pull causes the gas to rise and combust as it reaches the surface of the river.

This idea is not without its holes; actually, many have had a field day tearing it to pieces. Some critics point out that these theoretical pockets of gas could not withstand the mighty currents of the Mekong. Not to mention that the Mekong riverbed has proven to be free of the sediment needed for such a scenario.

Other attempts to explain the mystery have raised huge controversies and an outcry from a public who feels they are considered simple country folk who don’t have a clue. One TV program raised a big fuss in 2002 when they claimed to have debunked the myth. A video released to the public showed Laos soldiers on the other side of the river shooting tracer bullets into the air as the Thais on the other side oohed and ahhed.

The story hardly explains the phenomenon, however, as the fireballs occur all over the Mekong, often in desolate places where people are very unlikely to be. A hoax of out-of-this-world proportions would be required in order to make the lights appear even in places where they are so unlikely to be spotted.

Not to mention the Laos soldier “explanation” dismisses the crowds of viewers who gather on the Laos side of the river, where some say the most beautiful displays are said to occur.

Whatever the truth to the fireballs of Naga, it’s always nice to be reminded there are things in the world our scientists can’t put their finger on.

If you want to see it yourself, head to Nong Khai in Thailand around the 12th of October. With actual road signs promoting this magical event, it won’t be hard to find, and even if the lights don’t show up, there is a huge party on both sides of the river, with boat races and all kinds of other festivities.

Because there has been less publicity in Laos (and zero promotion to tourists, it seems), foreigners will have to put some real effort into finding the party. But that also means less crowds and you are likely to be the only foreigner present, which always makes for a unique experience.

Rent a motorbike in Vientiane and follow Highway 13 South towards Baan Na, leaving the boat race festival behind you in the capital city, and you can try to join the locals in the fray. Villagers and wealthier families from the capital set up blankets picnic-style on the banks of the river, and vendors come as well, selling the usual Beer Laos and barbecued meats.

I think you’ll find that even if the lights don’t reveal themselves, the chase is still well worth it…

Click here to view the embedded video.

It was not a situation I walked into without trepidation, and though I’m no supporter of American politics, I did acknowledge that there were older people walking around me every day that had once suffered and lost loved ones as they fought tooth and nail with soldiers who walked and talked just like me.

Perhaps the most interesting stop I made in North Vietnam was my visit to the POW prison in Hanoi, once sarcastically referred to by prisoners as the “Hanoi Hilton.” The “Hilton” was a prison built by the French to initially hold Vietnamese Resistance fighters, but after the French were pushed back out of the country, the prison was taken over by the Vietnamese.

Much of the museum that exists there now highlights the oppression and torture instigated on the Vietnamese prisoners by the French. Those exhibits alone offered a very humbling experience.

But there were also two rooms set up to discuss the American POW experience. For me, this was a huge lesson in propaganda as I checked out the displays and videos illustrating what the North Vietnamese teach their people about what went on there – a picture of American war prisoners basically living in a summer camp, is what it seemed like, and the fact that they sarcastically called it the “Hanoi Hilton” was even used to support this claim.

The exhibit also portrayed a war where the North and South of Vietnam were fighting together at the front lines against America, which creates a stark contrast with what the rest of the world is told.

Knowing the history of what really went on in those dark claustrophobic rooms, I found it offensive that the people are still taught this to this day. And again, this comes from someone who is no big supporter of American politics.

This theme of propaganda and North Vietnam’s grip on its people played out through much of my trip. I met former refugees who had spent 20 day boat trips across the ocean, fleeing oppression in the beginning of the war, only to be sent back by the Chinese government years later and thrown in prison. Even today, one man told me, he couldn’t wait to have another chance to escape.

While the Vietnamese War was certainly a controversial subject at the time and mostly people just wanted the troops to come home, thinking we had no business there, it’s important to realize that there were real reasons for America to be weary of the communist government at that time. The reality of this is the citizens who even to this day whisper to foreigners about change, about blocked Facebook, corruption, about fears of jail and worse if they talk against the government.

By no means am I saying my own government is perfect, but I am saying that traveling to other places sometimes makes me realize just how easy I have it compared to others…

But what was most illuminating to me about travel in Vietnam was what I learned about humanity and the ability of humans to forgive. To sit in an orchard with an elder, a man still wearing his old military helmet and army fatigues, and eating fruit with him without a word of the wars our country once fought, to me that is a learning experience in itself.

Ditto the conversations with younger people, my age, who were not alive during the war. Who have lived their whole lives with false ideas still find the curiosity to ask me “why?” And the not having the ability to tell them not only because it would be dangerous for me to do so within Vietnamese borders (likely more so for them than myself) but also because I am not so sure of the answer myself.

If you are American as well and decide to visit Vietnam, especially in the North, don’t ask people questions about the war. Let them ask you. And even then, never be too opinionated or even supportive of their own criticisms of their government. I think you’ll find the best, and safest, skill you can have is that of a good listener.

Seek to understand rather than teach. Seek to experience rather than thoroughly discuss.

I for one was not overly-enthusiastic about everything I experienced in Vietnam, but I do plan to go back. Not because I want to collect stories about being scammed or collect stories about historical sites where people died, but because I too want to know why countries do the things they do – and that applies equally to what the government there does to the people today as to what America and Vietnam did to each other once upon a time.

And mostly, I seek knowledge of the human spirit not only to endure through war by creating fortresses beneath the Earth, entire hospitals and networks of tunnels, but also of the ability for humans to seek understanding and forgiveness through simple human conversation.

By far one of the most beautiful landscapes on Earth can be savored while sitting on the deck of a boat in “Descending Dragon Bay,” otherwise known as Halong Bay, off the coast of North Vietnam. A beautiful ocean landscape, Halong Bay is riddled with the kind of limestone karsts you find jutting out of the waters in Krabi, Thailand – only it is said to be even more dramatic and otherworldly.

You float along on boats designed to replicate ancient Chinese junks, gaping at the looming towers of jungle-covered rock, and I must admit it is one of the more humbling experiences of a lifetime.

But traveling in Halong Bay can be a jading travel experience due to the extreme commercialism going on there. It has become one of the major stops on the southeast Asian backpacking trail – couple that with the often “money-grubbing” attitude of many tourist-industry locals towards foreigners and you’ve got a situation where people are herded through like cattle with little thought to whether they are enjoying themselves or having a good time.

So is this monumental landscape still worth the trouble then? It can be if you follow these tips to maintain your sanity en-route.

1. Know What to Expect

First off, the treatment of tourists in Halong Bay comes served at its most sour when you don’t realize what you’re getting yourself into. Your tour guides back in the big city will likely pump you up by selling you a vision of a peaceful bay tour with people waiting on you hand and foot, but that’s not how things really go down.

So visit the place because the scenery is out of this world, but realize that there will be challenges involved. Prepare yourself mentally.

2. Do Your Research and Pay Extra

As in many places in Vietnam, I uncharacteristically urge you to pay a premium price and go with a more luxurious tour. In Vietnam, and indeed Halong Bay, the old adage that you get what you pay for rings truer than ever.

Think about it – is it really reasonable to expect to pay $15 – $30 for a combination bus trip and boat tour, sometimes even with an overnight stay, and expect to get much for your money? I don’t think so; not even in Vietnam.

Add in that it has become second nature for tour companies to scam you and lie to you in Hanoi, thinking they’ll never see you again, and doing your research ahead of time is crucial. One fantastic site for reading about trips based in Northern Vietnam is TheNewHanoian.com.

Talk to other tourists about their trips, post on forums like the one mentioned above to ask for referrals, and find a boat company that is setting themselves apart by offering world class tours to people who are willing to pay more.

I saw some Asian tourists on other boats who had done this and were riding lavish indeed, and best of all, you’ll get real customer service rather than the cheap Halong Bay variety.

3. Start at Cat Ba Island

Another way to get the most out of Halong Bay is to avoid the bus/boat combo tickets and shoot straight to Cat Ba. From there, you can get to know the people at your hotel and book day tickets off of the island, circumventing the scammers who often come from Hanoi. Cat Ba also offers great trips trekking across the island or kayaking through karsts in the smaller, more unspoiled Lan Ha Bay.

4. Pay Attention to the Season

Any trip to Halong Bay will be a little more sane if you go in the off season from around late September to June. Not to mention that if you decide to stay on Cat Ba Island, the hotel rooms will go for a fraction of the price during off season – I had an ocean-view room for a mere $10 a night with one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve seen in all my travels.

5. Avoid it completely

You don’t have to go to Halong Bay to see the scenery it has become famous for. As noted in The Lonely Planet, the limestone-studded waters continue all the way up to Southern China, and the view is just as breath-taking. Ask around about Bai Tu Long Bay to get a sense of what Halong Bay was like before the tourists arrived.

The waters there are largely untouched and don’t have the crowds or water pollution you find in Halong. It’s definitely off the beaten track, but with a little extra effort, you can make it happen. People are starting to get word about these other places but still largely avoid them because the lack of tourist infrastructure.

All Photos By Gregw66 on Flickr

But if you recognize the perceived problems in Vietnam and want to give it a go and form your own opinion, or just think it’s still worth the extra effort and energy, the question on your mind is likely: “So how do I minimize or otherwise deal with this issue?”

Great question, so let’s look at the situation from a practical traveler’s perspective.

It’s hard to say exactly how to avoid being scammed, cheated, and overcharged in Vietnam. Unfortunately, I’m strongly of the opinion that you will not avoid it – people who go the politically-correct route and insist they were treated with nothing but kindness and never overcharged are, in my opinion, not paying attention.

Here’s why.

One thing I noticed in Vietnam is that if you never argue a bill or bargain or pay attention to being overcharged, the locals are more than happy to scam you with a smile. So you can have a very good time as long as you’re willing to just plop down the money and go on with your day, not blinking an eyelid – hiding behind rose-tinted glasses, so to speak.

As an example of what I mean, I sat down to dinner with plenty of foreigners who were sporting their own rose-tinted glasses and rolled my eyes as they smiled through the scams, didn’t even look at the bill, and thought nothing at paying two times what they should have paid. All the while proclaiming how they couldn’t understand why people had a problem with traveling in Vietnam…

Well, of course they didn’t understand. Never mind the tips they eagerly threw down that were equal to 5 – 10 days a local’s salary (for very sub-standard service). Is it any wonder that people robbed them with a smile when there was money spilling out of their pockets and a dazed grin on their face?

To reiterate, I read a story online about a man who was approached even “off the beaten track” and hounded for 10 minutes as he walked down the street by a lady trying to sell him something. He finally gave her some money to stop bothering him and she demanded twice the amount!

This all goes back to the Vietnamese cultural idea that foreigners owe them something. They seem to believe we have an obligation to go there and pay, pay, pay. They seem to have the idea we are all rich and can afford it because they don’t understand our own cultural realities.

So if you just want to go through your travels with no problems and aren’t opposed to being cheated, then don’t study your bill, don’t argue obvious scams, and spend your heart out. Keep in mind, however, that this attitude does nothing but empty your pocketbook unfairly and make it more difficult for future travelers.

Or, perhaps an even more sensible option is to be a tourist in Vietnam instead of a traveler.

I never recommend this anywhere, but due to my personal observations of traveling in Vietnam, I’m of the opinion you are better off spending extra money to stay in more luxury hotels, go on more luxury tours, and have guides that get paid well to care about your better interest. On a similar vein, by sticking to nicer restaurants, you at least know the price you’re going to pay and don’t have to wonder if you will be extorted.

It’s right there on the menu, and they don’t usually have a different one just for foreigners.

In my opinion, if you want to experience Vietnam but don’t want to be cheated, paying higher prices is simply insurance on having a good time and enjoying the country.

Otherwise, just accept what is going to happen to you and take preventative measures by always agreeing on prices ahead of time, double checking every bill, and relying on the experiences of other travelers so you can stick with trustworthy venues. And be very, very patient.

You will get scammed and overcharged no matter what, but you can at least minimize the damage (and the begrudging attitude you may struggle with from time to time). And if you’re in a situation where you’ve been obviously cheated, you can often just hand them what you should owe them and walk away. Just be prepared to give in if a physical threat ensues.

It’s an ugly picture, I know, and I hate to fear monger, but my own opinion of Vietnam (a country I will visit again, by the way) suggests that you should either prepare for some practical measures or avoid it completely. And if you want a nice, peaceful vacation rather than immersion in a fascinating yet trying cultural experience, try Thailand, Malaysia, Laos, or the Philippines. You’ll still get scammed from time to time, but it’s not done with such a vengeance, and it’s easier to avoid.

After all, even most other Southeast Asians are quick to tell you that Vietnamese are the most aggressive people in the region in many different ways.

I went to Vietnam knowing their reputation as being more aggressive than other Southeast Asians. I knew they were going to sell to me more, scold me more, and that drinking around them was more likely to result in a physical altercation of some sort. As someone who has traveled extensively in other countries and spent a good deal of time living specifically in Southeast Asia, I still did my best to arrive with an open mind and a determination to get off the beaten track.

I realized quickly that it wasn’t enough.

While these are certainly my own experiences, I found that I was constantly overcharged – far more so than ever happens in Thailand, for instance – cheated, lied to, yelled at, and aggressively cornered by touts. In one instance, a tour guide threatened to throw me (and others) off of his boat, and in other multiple cases, I agreed on a price for a meal only to be charged much more when the bill came and received an aggressive, threatening response when I objected.

In Hanoi, it’s not even enough to demand taxis use meters because they often are rigged to run twice as fast! Not to mention all the doubling back and circling your actual destination. I almost got caught with this scam, but luckily a fellow passenger had a map and was watching the streets closely. Instead of giving us our change, this same driver jumped back in the car and sped off before we could even stutter.

Add in the cold attitude, and my own experience was that Vietnam was the least welcoming country I’d ever traveled in.

So why is it this way? While a lot of people are quick to throw around racial prejudices about the Vietnamese people, I don’t think that’s going to help the problem. Certainly something needs to change, but the very fact that there are many Vietnamese who welcome you with a warm smile, invite you into their homes, and turn down your money rather than gobble it up suggests to me it is a cultural issue but by no means an ethnic issue.

I’m no scholar on the matter, but one explanation is that the North Vietnamese (my travels were confined to this region) have been taught by their government their entire lives that all of their problems are to be blamed on foreigners, especially French and Americans. While the French and the Americans have certainly played their part in Vietnam’s misery, it is by no means the complete answer to the problems they’ve faced and why they are where they are today.

And the fact that so many other countries live in such dire poverty and don’t act in this manner suggests there is more going on.

It’s no secret that the Vietnamese government strictly controls the paradigms of the Vietnamese public. While Americans certainly weren’t innocent of the horrors of the Vietnam War, for instance, our citizens today at least are given in the luxury of living in a nation where we can access both sides of the story if we want to learn more.

Vietnamese citizens, many argue, have been taught their whole lives that foreigners are responsible for their misery. And this may have a large part to do with the way they treat travelers who come to their home.

So the big question is, with all the scamming and the unwelcoming attitude of Vietnamese people (not all of them but enough to make it a headache), is it even worth a visit? I would say that based on my experiences in North Vietnam, if you’re looking for a vacation, lounging on the beach and enjoying the tropics while learning about a new culture, go somewhere else.

Or, if you do plan to visit, be the ultimate tourist and stick to luxury resorts, separating yourself completely from the locals.

I know it sounds harsh, but that’s how I feel based on my own experiences in the North of Vietnam.

That said, do I plan to go back, and if so, will I take the above advice? I will go back, and I don’t plan to stick in luxury resorts, or if I do, I plan to get out interacting with the locals as much as possible.

The reason is that I personally feel like Vietnam, despite its drawbacks, is a fascinating place to experience. I feel like, especially as an American, there is a lot to learn in Vietnam about the nature of war, the healing of wounds, the overcoming of differences, and resilience of the human spirit.

I’ll go there to fulfill this fascination, to grow as a person. But if you’re not looking for that in your travel experience at the moment, go somewhere else…at least until Vietnam changes it’s tune.

If you do want to go to Vietnam, regardless of the challenges, and experience all it has to offer, check out our next article about how to best avoid these problems in-country.

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Don’t worry about this too much as it is more owed to the new spices your stomach is getting used to rather than any third or second world parasites.

What you should worry about, however, are the toilets….here are some things you might want to think about.

The Squat Toilet

Let’s jump to the worst of it right off the bat…the squat toilet.  If you’ve never seen a squat toilet, prepare for one of the greatest treats of the road.  You can basically expect to encounter these just about anywhere the poorer classes hang out (with the income dynamics here, that means most places), and you’ll often find them in public restrooms.

A squat toilet is nothing more than a small porcelain bowl, usually down close to the floor.  There are two foot pads you are meant to stand on, and then you pull your pants down and let er’ rip, which as you can imagine is an amazing feat of balance and coordination.

Rumor has it the body of a person from Southeast Asia is built in such a way that squatting is actually easier for them (if you believe the rumors, that is), but for a farang fresh off the boat, it is trying to say the least. To imagine, think of doing yoga while trying to relieve yourself without getting anything on the back of the pants bundled up around your ankles.

My suggestion: just take your pants off.  Most of these types of toilets have a hook hanging on the wall or door, and that’s exactly what it is for.

But it gets even better.  Not only are you forced to do gymnastics just to go to the toilet, you’re then expected to wipe your butt without toilet paper.  Most of these squat toilets have nothing more than a bucket of water and a little bowl, and they expect you to use that to splash and wipe yourself (using your left hand only, of course).

This is not for the light-hearted foreigner and should be reserved for that three in the morning emergency in the back of a bar down some jungle path—you know what I mean, those nights when you will actually forget what you resorted to.

The best thing to do is never, ever, ever getting caught without a small emergency stash of toilet paper or tissues.

Or, even better, I always travel with small travel packs of baby wipes stuffed in my backpack.  Nothing feels better on the road than knowing the cleanest part of your dust-covered body is the holiest of holes.

In all types of toilets in Asia (except for the most “civilized” places where it might be posted on the wall that it’s okay) do not put the toilet paper in the toilet bowl!  Look for a small trashcan next to the toilet.  This is where the used toilet paper goes—in many places, the sewer system just cannot handle it.

When you are done with the squat toilet, use the bowl to scoop water into the toilet—this is how to flush. About 3 bowls ought to get her done.

The Butt Hose

Another interesting development in the Southeast Asian toilet world is what we sophisticated expats refer to as “the butt hose.”  The butt hose is just what it sounds like, a hose attached to the back of the toilet with a nozzle that is meant to spray down your butt after you finish.

While this is great in theory (and actually quite refreshing in this heat once you get the hang of it), the reality of the situation can be quite dismal.  Butt hoses seem to come in two types—when you pull the little trigger, you either get a weak stream that wouldn’t knock a mosquito out of the air or the water comes out with enough pressure to tear plaster off the walls.

The trick is to always check the butt hose pressure before sitting down to do your business.  Just point it down into the toilet bowl and pull the trigger.  Also, you should always check this before renting a place if you are keen on learning the intricacies of butt hose cleaning.

Regular Toilets

In areas that have a steady influx of foreigners, you will typically find some regular toilets in both hotels and some restaurants/bars—you will also find them in shopping malls and other places frequented by middle and upper class Thais.  Some of these will have butt hoses, and some will have toilet paper.

Please be aware that some will have neither and may or may not have someone outside charging a few baht for some tissues, leaving you to wonder just what the hell they expect you to do about wiping your arse.

Logical or not, you’ve been warned, so again, be prepared.

So as you can see, navigating the toilet scene in Southeast Asia is not without it’s obstacles, but with a little bit of an open mind, some patience, and some backup T.P., you can get through.  Good luck, and don’t forget to flush!

Oh, and always shake hands with your right….

Here are 5 reasons for you to chew on while en route.

1. Let’s Face It—It Really Can Be a Blast

I’ll admit it—hanging out in the expat spots and tourist bars can be a blast. These places are naturally party meccas, and even the locals who congregate there tend to be the fun-loving, open-minded types. You’ll never be short of people to carouse with when you travel the world’s big travel destinations, that’s for sure—your biggest danger is usually that you’ll have too much fun. And you probably will.

2. Meet Travelers from the World Over

I come to Thailand to meet Thais. I go to France to meet French people. When I went to Hawaii, I wanted to meet some native Hawaiians. I don’t come to meet Asia to meet Europeans, for instance.

But having said that, every time I do go to these places, I meet amazing people from all over the world. They are often well-traveled, intelligent, and tons of fun. Most have great stories to tell, and if you make it a point to collect Facebook handles and emails, you might end up with free places to stay all over the planet. Not a bad deal.

3. It’s No Less a Part of That Country

One thing a lot of people forget, even me at times, is that a tourist destination is no less a part of the country. A country and culture is in constant flux, evolving as it adapts to changing media, technologies, and, yes, tourism. So the people who are in constant contact with tourists and living that action-packed lifestyle are no less a part of the country than anyone else.

They are living a different lifestyle, and it’s important not to forget your experiences with them are not necessarily the kind you’d have with people from other parts of the country, but they are still a sub-culture there. I’m going to have a different experience visiting a punk bar in San Francisco than if I spend the night in Salsa Club there, for instance, but that doesn’t make either of them less San Francisco, does it now?

4. It is Convenient

I’ve been very fortunate to get to live here in this country for two amazing years. I try to spend a month at least everywhere I go. But that doesn’t mean everyone is so fortunate, and sometimes people don’t get to stay long.

In these cases, you might be better off just accepting the fact you’re only going to get the chance to spend a week trudging beaches and lying in lawn chairs at the resort spas. Poor you. Try to get out to a few locals-only spots if you can, but if not, don’t beat yourself up about it.

And keep in mind that the less exposure you have to a new culture, the more dangerous your cultural misunderstandings can be, especially if alcohol is involved. So be on your best behavior.

5. Snobs Are Annoying

No one likes a stuck up snob, whatever their reason. As adamant as I often am about my own travel inclinations, I try my best not to act like one. Sometimes I’ll find myself in the middle of nowhere and I’ll notice another foreigner and will say hi or try to talk to them, just because it seems odd not to as we have something obvious in common and are both strangers. More often than not, in these far off places, you’ll find yourself being ignored or blown off, as if your presence is somehow a threat to their experience.

I can’t help but laugh.

The world is full of interesting and amazing people to meet, and I stand by my choice to get as deep into a new culture as I can, but don’t overdo it. You might miss out on some chances for great travel experiences, and you might miss the chance to meet some of the most unique people on Earth—world travelers.

Here are 5 things to remember about feet when hiking around the Land of Smiles.

1. Take Off Your Shoes

You’d have to be pretty dense to miss this one. When you enter most Thai homes, and even many restaurants and shops, you will see a collection of shoes outside the front door. No, that’s not a new spin on Southeast Asian décor—you’re expected to take your shoes off. Even if a Thai insists you don’t have to do this, I still do, unless every one else is truly stomping around the house with their shoes on.

When in doubt, go with taking them off.

2. Don’t Point With Your Feet

Pointing with your feet can also get you in a bit of trouble, and most Westerners don’t realize how often we actually do just that. When our hands are full we will often use our feet to move an object, gesture at something, and possibly even pick something up if we are barefooted.

All not cool here in Thailand. If you can, avoid even pointing at people with your feet accidently, which can happen if you often cross your legs when seated.

3. Keep Your Feet Off the Furniture

It always kind of blows my mind when I see a foreigner throw their feet up on a table or anything, really, while relaxing in a restaurant, train, or hotel. In my own opinion, this is pretty rude no matter where you are—unless you’re in your own home, of course. In Thailand, it is a horrifying blunder—don’t do it.

4. Don’t Touch Anyone’s Shoes

People don’t want you touching their feet any more than they will ever want to touch yours, and this extends to shoes. So try to avoid picking up someone else’s shoes and handing them over or any nonsense like that. In a similar fashion, keep your shoes away from others—sounds easy enough, but a lot of backpackers do make a habit of stringing their extra shoes off of their backpacks when trekking around, and these can easily bump into people in crowded situations.

5. Never Point Your Feet at Religious Effigies

The whole foot thing carries on into the Buddhist temples, where you will definitely be expected to remove your shoes. When sitting cross-legged or kneeling, be conscious of where you point your stubby digits—definitely away from the statues of Buddha.

6. Don’t Touch Someone’s Head with Your Feet—Okay, Are You TRYING to Get Killed?

Okay, I’m giving you a hard time…kind of. Tying back into the last Thai taboo we talked about, keep your feet far, far, far away from other people’s heads. I don’t know why they would end up there anyways, but hey, it bears mentioning.

The worst thing you can do is touch the most sacred part of someone’s body with the dirtiest, most unholy part of yours. It’s the ultimate disrespect, and if you cross that line, you just might end up becoming the one taking a couple Muay Thai feet to the dome.

Just sayin’.

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